


Sade/Off

by KriegsaffeNo9



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Bodyswap, Crack, Criminal Masterminds, Evil Plans, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:35:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28126230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KriegsaffeNo9/pseuds/KriegsaffeNo9
Summary: Sadie Miller stumbles upon Kiki Pizza's secret.  Kiki decides that a change of plans is in order--and perhaps a change of something else entirely.A three-part terror-tale of action, adventure, and free brainsurgery.Crack?  Yes.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	1. I See Your Sade/Off

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to E350 for throwing out an idea when I needed one.

Sadie stepped into Fish Stew Pizza. "Afternoon, Ki--" Her stomach didn't growl so much as snarl. "Ah, jeez... do you have any slices ready?"

"Hrm?" Kiki said, looking up from the front desk. "We have a few. Anchovy and pineapple, spinach and mushroom, red pepper flakes with Red Rank..."

"Like, Frank's Red Hot instead of tomato sauce?" Sadie said, looking at what she suspected was the third pizza, on account of it being solid red from crust to crust and faintly glowing.

"Legally speaking, we're not allowed to draw a comparison," Kiki said. She yawned. "Ah, sorry, just that Jenny's off on some... thing or another... and dad is taking Gunga to Funland... so it's just me right now. I'm beat."

Sadie cleared her throat. "So beat that you don't wanna make a three cheese pizza? ... Medium?"

"Not that tired," Kiki said. "Just a second."

"Excellent," Sadie said, casually leaning against an ancient poster for a circus that had been closed for over fifteen years (one too many lion-based accidents had turned out to not be accidents). She fell through the poster and slid down a five-story curly slide in pitch blackness. Did she scream the whole way down? You bet.

She landed heavily in a big swivel chair at the heart of a vast hi-tech complex. The walls were dominated by multiple maps of the world--some showing the movement of planes in the air, others of naval maneuvers, of weather patterns and UFO sightings. All at once hundreds of workers, all dressed in black uniforms with hi-tech face-concealing helmets, stood and saluted. "Hail Director Kiki!" they said in one voice.

"Wait a minute," one of the workers said. "Director Kiki is smaller and whiter than usual!"

"I, uh..." Sadie said.

An irised port in the ceiling dilated open, and Kiki Pizza hovered down on an anti-gravity disc bristling with machine guns. Her arms were behind her back. "Goodness, Sadie Miller," she said. "To think you could be so clumsy at the worst moment."

"I didn't see nothin'," Sadie said, covering her eyes. "I just want a cheese pizza and a Pepsi."

"Pity," Kiki said. "We only have Royal Crown."

"...shit, man, you guys are so damn cheap," Sadie said.

"I know," Kiki said. She lifted her foot, considered the bank of pedals lining the platform, and stomped on one of them. A bank of tasers popped out of the bottom, took aim, and shot out dozens of pairs of wires. Sadie got shocked the ever-loving shit out of. Kiki sighed. "Very well. Take her to... the chamber."

One of the workers poked Sadie with a broom. Satisfied she was no longer full of electricity, a pair of guards (they had badges and guns) dragged Sadie off the seat, none too gently. "M'am!" one of the guards said. "Where shall we take her?"

"To... The Chamber," Kiki said.

"We have like ten of them?" the other guard said.

"The Chamber of Chambers! Jesus, I'm still thinking. Maybe I want to mix up which chamber I use today. It's been a slow week, it could use some spice."

"Understood, m'am," the guards said, and dragged Sadie away.

* * *

The next morning, Lars sauntered up to the Big Donut, moving to unlock the door only to find it unlocked. Weird, the lights weren't on, and Sadie--

"Oh, shit!" Lars said, shouldering into the door, ready, for like a tenth of a second, to beat up on whoever broke into the Big Donut, in the split second before realizing that he should definitely run and call the police instead. But thankfully, he froze uselessly in place long enough to recognize the ominous humanoid shape in front of the donut ... cabinet.

"Good morning, Lars," Sadie said, her features almost lost to the harsh backlight of the donut cabinet combined with the absence of lights in the store. "I was wondering when you'd show up."

"I'm five minutes early!" Lars said, holding out his keys as if they had a clock on them. "I couldn't sleep last night, had all these really messed-up dreams."

"Oh, me too," Sadie said. "I just knew I had to go into work early. You have to take care of yourself. Don't want to ... lose your mind. You'll never know where it'll turn up." Sadie chuckled softly, a sound that deepened into a rolling guffaw as she threw back her head.

"Preachin' to the choir," Lars said. "I'm making coffee."

"I'll have one too," Sadie said. "Black as midnight, just like meeeeeeowsie the little black cat I saw on the way to work."

Lars shrugged. Normally Sadie liked hers with a five-second pour from the sugar dispenser and three non-dairy creamer packets, but who was he to second-guess her coffee-drinking habits? It was like that puppet and the tickle feather. No means no, and black as Meowsie means black as Meowsie.

He actually had even less of an idea what he was in for than you think.

* * *

Sadie awoke with a pounding headache and surprisingly little else wrong. Her memories were fuzzy, but she was pretty certain that she had seen Kiki Pizza up to something, and had been tased a whole shitload in retaliation. The sheer alarm she felt reflecting on that tidbit made it feel real. That said, she couldn't imagine the non-evil twin being up to that much mischief--and either way, her head felt like a grape dropped in the path of a foot race. She hadn't fallen asleep in the coziest position, either. It felt like she had curled up on a...

A light shone on her, bright as the noonday sun; she whimpered and covered her eyes. "Please, ten more minutes..." she said, before realizing that her hand wasn't shaped right, and her voice didn't sound right.

"Fah!" the voice of Mr. Fish Stew Pizza said, cutting through the fog of waking. He was shining a flashlight in her face. "That I have let you sleep this long is more than enough tens of minutes for you! What should I discover upon return from a pleasant day out with my mother than you, my daughter who is supposed to be responsible, asleep at Heaven's gate!"

"Sleep at the what... now?" Sadie said, before realizing that the hand she was covering her face with was black. "What in the...?!" She knelt, and realized she was kneeling on a table in Fish Stew Pizza. It was pitch black outside, even the street lamps having given up for the night, for Mayor Dewey (still the mayor at this point in time) had decided to cut them after 2 in the morning to save on energy.

"Oh, look at her," the old lady who worked at Fish Stew Pizza said. "So lost in dreams she's surprised to see herself!"

"What time is it? Why are you just now getting back?!"

"It's four AM!" Mr. Pizza said, in a huff.

"There was a dance marathon," Old Lady Pizza said, holding up a small trophy. "We placed fifth. Out of nine! We were right in the middle."

"And you've been asleep this whole time, I can just tell," Mr. Pizza said, wagging his finger at Sadie. "You know what that means, young lady."

"I... what?" Sadie said. "Look, I'm Sadie Miller, I think I saw Sadie do something sketchy yesterday, but I'm, like, kind of fuzzy, 'cause I think I got tased a bunch...?"

Mr. Pizza gasped. "Young lady, I've grown accustomed to this level of wastrelry from your sister, but from you?! I am shocked, and moreover, dismayed! For this intense level of crime, there can be only one atonement..."

* * *

"No," Sadie said.

"No..." Sadie said.

"Noooooooooooooooo!" Sadie said.

For Sadie was somehow now Kiki Pizza, and Kiki Pizza was locked in a side room at Fish Stew Pizza, the door labeled with the endlessly humiliating title of GAY BABY JAIL.

She pounded on the door. She was taller; she was slimmer; and her arms and legs felt like twigs. The door may as well be made of iron.

"Damn you and your obsession with cardio, Kiki Pizza," Sadie said. "I don't know how, but I swear to any god who's listening, I'm gonna get out of here." She stepped back from the door, took her head in her hands, and did the pop-your-own-neck maneuver. Kiki's neck popped so heavily and so loudly that Sadie passed out.

She would curse Kiki Pizza more when she woke up.

* * *

Lars had to admit, Sadie was super on the ball today. The black coffee must be doing wonders.

"Have a good day!" Sadie said, waving off their latest customer. "Oh, Lars, how are we doing for glazed?"

Lars checked the cabinet. "We're getting low."

"I'll get some more," Sadie said, hiking off to the backroom. She blocked the door with a chair and addressed her underlings. "Hurry, damn you. He's going to take his turn sooner than later, and we'll need this operation under wraps."

"Yes, Director Kiki!" her underlings said. The base had almost been entirely relocated, needing only some extra space for the employee sauna and hot tub next to the fusion engine.

"Oh," Sadie-Kiki said, "don't forget to whip up some donut-themed weaponry. If you don't have style, what do you have in this world?"

"Yes, Director Kiki!" her underlings said. The R'n'D department immediately turned their attentions to the piles of donuts and donut equipment in the backroom.

Sadie-Kiki grabbed a bagful of glazed and returned to the front.


	2. Bad Guy Walkin' Around

Jenny Pizza yawned as she walked into the store. "Hi, guys~" she said. "How was the fair or the circus or whatever?"

Kofi Pizza was sound asleep next to his fifth-place trophy.

"Morning, child!" Nanefua said, peering in from the kitchen. "We had a wonderful adventure! Your sister, now, she got to wear the evil twin hat yesterday, on account of sleeping on the job."

"Huh, okay." She walked behind the counter. She froze a moment. "Wait. Did something bust up that old circus poster?"

The circus poster had a great big hole punched in the middle of it, revealing the brick wall behind it. The poster had been there so long the bricks looked brand new. It even smelled like fresh-laid mortar, all the way over here.

"Frankly, I'm glad it's gone," Gunga said. "Maybe we can put a stylish movie poster in front of it!"

"Oh, oh! How about like a Boondock Saints po--"

One of the supply closet doors exploded off its hinges, slamming against the far wall. Kofi stirred in his sleep, blinking blearily, before slipping back into the warm arms of Lady Nap.

By sheer coincidence, "Bad to the Bone" started playing over the speakers as Kiki Pizza stalked out of the Homosexual Infant Prison, brushing suds from her sleeves. "Here's a protip, chumps," she said, "don't store your 2-liters and the Alka-Seltzer dispenser refills in the same room!"

"Oh my God," Nanefua said, "please say you used diet drinks!"

"Well, yeah, I'm not a monster," Kiki said. "Can you imagine cleaning up that mess? I'm mad, but I'm not that mad."

"Your father raised civilized children after all," Nanefua said. "Though. What was that you were saying earlier about being Sadie Miller?"

"Wait, what?" Jenny said.

* * *

Lars checked the tip jar. "Woah, man! Look at this!" He fanned out the cash on the counter. "We're flush!"

"Say," Sadie said. "How's about I flip that sign to 'Out to Lunch' and order in some Chinese food?"

"Really?" Lars said. "Delivery? Where we have to tip?"

"We're rich," Sadie said, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Ow," he said, gently batting at her hand.

"Ah, sorry," Sadie said, with a little laugh. "Woo, don't know my own strength. Maybe you should order so I don't beat up my phone."

"You do have vast untapped reservoirs of strength and hyper-violent instincts of pure destruction." Lars dug out his phone and dialed up Lazy J's Korean Barbecue and Regular Barbecue and Chinese Food and Pancake Factory. "Your usual?"

"Of course," Sadie said. "While we wait, I'm going to check the napkin dispensers."

"They're always free," Lars said, not quite singing.

"They--oh, yes, of course they are." Sadie leaped over the counter and headed to the nearest table. She picked up the napkin dispenser, then rhythmically tapped it against the table, sometimes in short intervals, sometimes in long. "In working order..." She repeated the process with every napkin dispenser, finishing with a knock on the ice cream freezer. "Very well. We're good to go."

Deep below, her underlings received the all-clear, and began to install their new base's defense measures.

* * *

"Raaagh!" Kiki-who-was-really-Sadie said, kicking a speedbag that hung in the pizzeria's corner. "And that's the story of how I wound up here!"

"Huh," Jenny said, pushing the mop-and-bucket back into the broom closet. "Really, right under Fish Stew Pizza?"

"That Kiki is such a go-getter," Nanefua said, pouring out her Capirihna. "If only she didn't have such a vast reservoir of evil potential upon which to spend her go-gettive-ness!" She took a mournful sip. "And also if she didn't turn herself white. That is simply one too much for this old lady!"

"So, obviously, I'm going to go kick her ass," Actually-Sadie said. "As soon as I get my pump on. It's like trying to punch in a dream with this thing."

Jenny sighed. "I pretty much have to come along, don't I."

"I'll cover for you, don't worry," Nanefua said. "Your father and I run a tight ship. Besides, it's important for sisters to bond! Even if it's with a blue-eyed soul-sister."

"Thank you, Old Lady Pizza," Sadie said, with a reverential bow. "I'll return Kiki to you... somehow, probably... after I beat her up a little."

"De nada," Nanefua said, gesturing with her drink.

"To the Jennymobile!" Jenny said, jangling her keys. The two stormed out the pizzeria; moments later the Jennymobile shrieked off on its quest to save Sadie's brain.

"Ah, kids," Nanefua said. "Always up to shenanigans and trickery."

Her son was still fast asleep.

Mr. Smiley walked into the shop. "Hey there, Gramma Pizza! Might I get a--"

Nanefua whipped out a brutally expensive custom AF-2011, made with a pair of mated Mark XIX Desert Eagles and drew a bead on Smiley. "We're closed."

"Next time, then!" Smiley said, and left.

Gunga hopped in a chair, leaned it against the wall, and resumed sipping her cocktail, humming Death Grips songs to herself.

* * *

The Jennymobile rocketed down the mean streets of Beach City at a sky-burning 33 miles per hour. Sadie sat with her elbow on the door and her hand on her cheek, watching the scenery blitz past. Jenny Pizza didn't know Sadie all that well, but she did know her own sister, and so it was quite surreal seeing such an unfamiliar expression on such a familiar face.

"So, why are we going to my friends first?" Jenny said.

"If I know Buck Dewey," Sadie said--

" _Do_ you?" Jenny said.

"Shut up," Sadie said.

(Remember: this was the past.)

Jenny pulled a bootlegger reverse and spun out in a vacant lot in which Buck Dewey was practicing his glamor photography on Sour Cream, who was posing dramatically amidst a discarded beer can and an empty potato-chip bag. Buck didn't look away as he said, "Jenny, Kiki. What has led you to bless us with your presence?"

Sadie climbed out of the car; Kiki stayed in, reading something on herp hone. "I'm actually Sadie Miller," Sadie said, "and I need help getting my revenge."

"I'm so proud of you for discovering your personal identity," Buck said, a tear rolling down his cheek. "And I will do anything in my power to help you actualize yourself."

"Yeah, hella gratz," Sour Cream said.

Sadie blinked. "Okay, that was easy. Uh." She cleared her throat. "I'm going to need all the white-hot protein you can dish out, right now."

"Oh, Sadie," Buck said, "I have more protein than you could possibly handle."

"Try me," Sadie said, donning a wicked smile.

"Sour Cream, if you could help me," Buck said.

"Any time, pal," Sour Cream said, limbering up.

Between the two of them, Sour Cream prepared a bucket of hot water and Buck poured in instant peanut butter powder. With a little coaxing, Kiki had been made to stir it together to the right consistency.

With the assist, Sadie prepared a peanut-butter-and-banana sandwich and ate it rapidly. "Urgh, this stuff is vile," she said. "That's health food for you. Anyway, I'm gonna hit the gym real quick, get some weights in, try and bulk up a little."

"Godspeed, you black empress," Buck said.

"Please cut it with the racial affirmations for a minute," Sadie said, "in my current circumstances it is very weird."

* * *

The Chinese food arrived a mere four hours later.

Sadie opened up her carton and winced.

"Did you get the wrong thing?" Lars said after swallowing a mouthful of egg drop soup sipped straight from the plastic carton.

"Are you sure my 'regular' is General Tso's?" Sadie said.

Lars's eyes widened. "...you're not Sadie," he said, setting his soup aside and reaching for the employee knife. "And you're not Steven either, I've seen that kid eat three orders of Ideas on accident. Who the hell are you?"

Sadie(?) set her food aside and got the employee hatchet. "Just a girl making her way in the world," the imposter said, throwing the hatchet from hand to hand.

Lars charged, almost managing to get out "There can be only one!" before False Sadie headbutt him right in the tummy, knocking him over. He rolled over in pain, gasping for breath.

"Huh," False Sadie said. "This body's actually pretty strong. Pity that her arms and legs are so damn short. I swear, it's like I'm piloting Hello Kitty."

The door to the Big Donut kicked open and Kiki Pizza stormed in. "Kiki Pizza, I'm gon' beatcha!" she said, jabbing her finger at False Sadie. "Your mission is a failure, in this City of Beach! I'm the Sadie Miller, release Lars, who's your prisoner! Then return to Fish Stew Pizza, or I'll kick you 'til you're peach!"

False Sadie, who was evidently Kiki, clapped. "Not bad, not bad. Also, I am loving that top."

"Yeah, well, after the gym, I figured, I needed the right outfit to get my body back in," Sadie said, gesturing to her stylish designer top, track pants, and stompin' boots. "I mean, hell, if you don't have style, what do you have?"

"We agree completely," Kiki said, sighing. "It's tragic, really. We could've been good friends. But you simply know too much."

Jenny stumbled into the Big Donut. "Jesus Christ, everything still hurts! Why do I have to fight with you after busting my ass at that stupid, own-ass-kicking gym?"

"Just roll with it, you'll get your second wind," Sadie said. "Just give us a second to warm up."

"Oh, I'll give you a second," Kiki said. "And then some!" She flung the store hatchet at Sadie, who caught it and threw it back, pinning Kiki to the freezer by her sleeve. "Oh," Kiki said. "That was... pretty good." She stomped three times, then three more times with longer intervals, then three more times in shorter intervals. "Don't mind me, just being... pinned here..."

Sadie was taking a picture of herself with Kiki's phone, being sure to catch the captured Kiki in frame. "Not listening, flexin' on you on your own social media."

"Uh, Sadie?" Jenny said, waving her hand behind her head. "What was that you were saying earlier about her having guards?"

"Guards?" Sadie said. "She had, like, a whole underground complex, there's no way she could've--"

A guard jumped out of the freezer, some kind of giant bucket in hand. As Sadie and Jenny found out in about half a second, it was full of donut glaze, which they inexplicably stood still and watched get thrown at them, declining to dodge in any of the ample opportunity they had to avoid getting covered in donut glaze.

"Ah, damn it!" Sadie said.

Jenny felt her hair and screamed with the terror of someone being murdered.

"Good God, woman!" Kiki said, "Is that the sugar-free glaze, at least?!"

"I'm sorry, Director!" the guard said, bowing to her. "I was trying really hard to think of donut-themed weaponry, but the move was so hectic, I--"

"It stopped them," Kiki said, freeing herself at last. "But that's literally very sloppy, and you lose more points because of how inconsiderate you were to our janitors."

The guard moaned.

"Get these two down to the Chamber, I'm going to go to the cantina and, I dunno, make a sandwich. I'm feeling French dip."

"Yes, Director," the guard said, looking at the enormous struggling mess. "Excuse me, could you two wait a minute? I'm going to get a pallet jack."

"Go to hell!" Sadie said. Even a vigorous pump at Punch Andy's Weights 'n Things had not strengthened Kiki's body's pathetic runner's muscles enough to liberate herself from Donut Hell. Wait, that was "hell" twice in two sentences. Donut Perdition?

Donut Perdition.

Anyway, Lars got captured too.

To be concluded.


	3. That Ain't Even Your Face

Kiki cleared her throat and addressed her multitude of underlings in the command center. "My loyal underlings, today has been something of a trying day. There have been hiccups, yes; there have been unforseen intrusions into our labors. But I dare say--I do believe--that we have risen to the challenge and proved our worthiness. Except for Rebecca, who is still penalized ten points for a lack of creativity."

"I'm sorry, director!" Rebecca said from the back of the command center.

"Silence!" Kiki said, pointing. A disco ball descended from the ceiling and zapped Rebecca with a low-wattage electrolaser, stinging the crap out of her. "Ahem. As I speak, our hostages are being... dealt with. Tomorrow the sun will rise on the Kiki Organization of Radical Nations! And perhaps at last our trademark suit will be settled in our favor!"

"Hail Director Kiki! Hail Director Kiki!" her underlings chanted.

"Hail yes," Kiki said, lowering a pair of sunglasses onto her face.

She was still in Sadie's body, just to be clear.

* * *

Kiki was not an ungracious host, and so Jenny and Sadie had been blasted with firehoses before getting hung to dry in the Hung Out To Dry Chamber. The chamber was a 15' by 15' room of gray concrete. Their only friend was a space heater turned slightly too hot to be comfortable, and their only company a picture of a kitten smoking weed (the poster was labeled WEED).

"Well, this officially sucks," Jenny said.

"I'm sorry about your hair," Sadie said.

"Screw you! You get to hop back in your white-ass, hair's-doin'-fine body after all this. They're gonna have to invent entire new genres of shampoo for me." She kicked against the metal frame holding her up.

"I appreciate the faith you have in me, at least," Sadie muttered. She flexed rhythmically, vaguely remembering some movie where a guy flexed enough to work his way out of some chains or whatever. Yeah, she was being held up by clothes hooks, not--

Wait a minute.

"Wait a minute," Sadie said, and carefully lifted her arm off of the clothes hook. "We haven't been secured at all, have we?"

Jenny blinked. "Wait, really?"

Sadie hopped off the warming rack. "Holy shit, we haven't."

Jenny hopped off as well. "Okay. Cool. Let's not look this gift horse in the..."

There were two doors leading out of the room; Sadie picked one and kicked it in. On the other side of the door was a chamber full of swinging chainsaws and randomly-firing machine guns. "Okay, not this one," Sadie said.

Jenny just turned the knob on the other one. Behind it was a room with platforms that regularly withdrew into the walls, suspended over a grid pattern of cutting lasers.

"Oh," Sadie said.

"Damn it, white girl," Jenny said.

"How is this my fault?!" Sadie said.

"Oh, like Kiki body-swapped with you for no reason?" Jenny said.

"It was an accident!"

"So it's still your fault!"

The two women scuffled.

* * *

Lars descended from the ceiling, tied to an upside-down cross dangling just in front of Kiki's action throne. He struggled feebly against his bindings. "Dude!" he said. "The blood's really pooling in my head! It's in my ears, I'm seein' spots, it's not cool!"

Kiki slouched in her chair, visibly displeased. "There's so little body to work with here," she muttered. "Atl east vertically. I can't sprawl like this! This is a loser's slouch."

"So..." Lars said. "You're gonna switch back to your old body?"

"Maybe," Kiki said. "I understand that one time Steven took up residence in your body...?"

"Yeah, actually, but..."

"Which means you're not a complete newbie at being driven by a superior pilot," Kiki said, leaning closer to him. "You're pretty tall. No muscle, but I think we can fix that. How's your cardio?"

"Oh, uh, you wouldn't want in on this action," Lars said. "I do a lot of video gaming, my doctor says if I take too hard of a full-body impact I'll just straight-up stop being alive..."

"I can handle these odds," Kiki said, and cackled. "Oh, okay, this one's pretty great at the evil laughter thing. Might be a diaphragm... something... see about implanting this diaphragm in Lars before we commence the swappification."

An underling raised his hand.

"Yes?" Kiki said.

"Can we not call it 'swappification?' It sounds like an internet fetish thing."

"It does... damn it, it does. First, we convene to discuss--"

The door leading to the Chambers exploded outward. Sadie stumbled through, caked with ash and propping herself up with a poleaxe. Jenny was just behind, fanning herself with a newspaper and sipping a red Gatorade. "It's over, Kiki Pizza!" Sadie said, pointing her weapon at Kiki.

Kiki spun her finger around and Lars's crucifix yanked upwards violently. "So it's come to this," she said, popping her neck with a satisfying crack. "Oooh, so that's what it feels like... I love it. Mm, gonna have to install this in Lars, too."

"Please don't install things in me!" Lars said.

"That's not what you said three nights ago," Sadie said. She held a fist out, and Jenny didn't leave her hanging... too long. "But seriously, don't surgery on him, that's a low blow."

"I blow as I please," Kiki said, rising from her seat. She held out a hand expectantly, and a guard handed her a pole-mounted hedge trimmer. She reached up to start it, only to find that her arms were wildly insufficient to reach the chain. Cursing under her breath, she repositioned the pole to try and reach the chain as Sadie rushed the steps leading up to her throne. Before she could do more than prime the pump, Sadie whacked her in the head with the blunt end of the stick, really hard.

"Ow, crap!" Kiki said, still conscious.

"Damn it, I feel like if I had my body, that would've put you in the ground," Sadie said. "Anyway!" She hit her again.

"Dude, stop!" Kiki said, covering her head, in the process dropping her chainspear thingey.

"You stop first and I'll stop!" Sadie said, continuing with the hitting.

"Should we be doing something?" one of Kiki's henchers said.

"I dunno, man..." another henchfolk said, scratching the back of their head. "I'm really tired? And I didn't get a lunch break, I've been sneaking granola bars and canned coffee. This bites, man."

"Like that cold-brew coffee in the machines now?" the first hench said. "I haven't tried it, how is it?"

"Kinda weird, but I kinda dig it. You can really taste the nitrogen."

"Nitrogen doesn't have a smell or flavor, dumbass!" a third underling said.

"Fine!" Kiki said, now hiding under her throne. "Stop hitting me and we'll work something out!"

Sadie planted a foot on the throne, raising her poleaxe in the air and roaring out her victory.

"You better not forget me, cracker!" Jenny said, looking up from her phone.

* * *

The next day, things were pretty much back to normal.

"Mmrph--what?" Kofi Pizza said, awakening at last. "What time is it?"

"It's noon," Jenny said, throwing back her luxurious, floor-length mane of glorious afro curls.

"Ah, an hour-long power nap," he said.

"It's Tuesday," Kiki said. Kiki was looking squatter than usual, but only from her head to her hips; her arms and legs were as long as they used to be, albeit as if they were once proportional to her stubby body and stretched out through some fashion. She was, however, black, even if her face and hair looked a little different than they used to be.

"Whatever," Kofi said.

"Ah, that is my son," Nanefua said, not even bothering to conceal her bottle of Jameson. "The world goes on, as ever it does!"

* * *

"Man," Lars said, poking at his day-old soup, "that was an annoying day."

"You're telling me," Sadie said, getting her stretches in. The Strongness Chamber Mark 2 had let her rapidly buff back up how she was used to; she was even getting to appreciate the longer legs and arms. She still wasn't totally sure about piloting a caucasianized Kiki Pizza, but, ah, history would judge her in time. She wouldn't worry about it for now.

The freezer opened and one of Kiki's underlings stuck their head out. "All is proceeding according to plan, Second-in-Command Miller."

"Bitchin'," Sadie said, bench pressing the employee mini-fridge just because she could. "Get back to work, I guess."

The underling returned to the freezer with a soft pinging sound, like a descending submarine.

Things were alright, more or less.

Did I mention Lars got a jetpack? He totally did.


End file.
